Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: Integrating The White Cleaver
by ValkyrieCain4Ever
Summary: Kingdom of the Wicked spoiler on the White Cleaver status! So this is what happens when the Sanctuary tries to put the White Cleaver back with the other Cleavers, doesn't go well. Erskine and the White Cleaver bond. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

**Yeah, I wanted to do a spoof on what it might be like if the White Cleaver is (finally) put back together and Nye gives him to the Sanctuary and they are trying to put him back with the other Cleavers but they shun him because he's different. Please review! (Also, this isn't going to be one-shot! :D)**

Ravel gave the White Cleaver a small encouraging push toward the other Cleavers. "Go on. Be with your own kind."

The White Cleaver stepped forward, then looked back at Ravel, Tipstaff, Valkyrie, Skulduggery and Ghastly who stood off to the side with a dozen doctors, who had their pens raised over their clipboards, ready to document the historic event of integrating the White Cleaver back with its own kind.

The other, normal, Cleavers were in the middle of a game of kickball. Tipstaff, of course, had not liked that Ravel had given the Cleavers permission to use the hallways as kickball field. But Ravel let them because they got bored and they wanted to be able to do something to entertain themselves. Also Ravel found an almost unhealthy amount of amusement from watching Tipstaff get hit repeatedly with kick balls throughout the day.

He looked back at the other Cleavers and took another tentative step towards them. The Cleavers stopped playing kickball, the pitcher paused in pitching and all the Cleavers moved together to form a huddle. Away from the White Cleaver.

The White Cleaver took another tiny step and the huddle moved a step away.

He hung his head and walked away. Ravel gently patted him on the back. "It's okay, maybe next time. Do you want a donut?"

The White Cleaver gave a little nod.

"Okay, let's get you a donut."

"Aw," Valkyrie said as Ravel and the White Cleaver left to get a donut and the other Cleavers went back to playing kickball. "The other Cleavers won't let him play in their reindeer games."


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay buddy! Today's a new day!" Ravel said cheerfully to the White Cleaver as he patted him happily on the back, a big smile on his face.

The White Cleaver looked down at him, a superman lunch box held in his hands. It was lunchtime and Ravel thought that maybe if the White Cleaver joined the other Cleavers for lunch he might make some new friends. He gave a little nod and walked into the cafeteria.

About fifteen other Cleavers were sitting around the tables eating their lunch but when the White Cleaver came in they all stopped and turned to look at him. He slowly walked over and sat on the end of the table.

The other Cleavers gathered their things and crowded together in a corner.

The White Cleaver looked sadly down and took out his lunch. Ravel had made him lunch, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a cupcake. Also there was a note:

I Believe In You

-Ravel

He read the note and put it beside his cupcake and began to eat sandwich. The other Cleavers would look at him then back at each other.

"White Cleaver?" Ravel was at the door. Immediately the other Cleavers stood to attention but Ravel ignored them. "Do you want to eat lunch with me?"

The White Cleaver nodded and put his lunch back in his lunch box and followed Ravel to his office. He had never been in Ravel's office before and as he sat in a plush leather chair sitting across the Grand Mage's desk and looking at Ravel who was in his own chair eating his lunch.

"Make any new friends?" Ravel asked.

The White Cleaver shook his head sadly.

"That's okay, there's always next time."

The White Cleaver nodded.

There was a bit of quiet as they ate.

"Did you know that no other Cleavers have eaten lunch in this office before?" Ravel bit into his apple.

The White Cleaver shook his head.

"Well you are the first Cleaver to ever eat lunch with me. That means you're special."

The White Cleaver perked up.

"How would you like to be my personal guard? You'd get your own room next to mine and you can eat in here every day."

The White Cleaver nodded.

"Yay!" Ravel cheered and drank some of his apple juice. "You know," he said. "I was picked on when I was in school too. Well not in high school but in middle and elementary school yes."

The White Cleaver waited.

"They picked on me and called me names. And in second grade they began poking me. They poked me so much I had bruises all over my body and one day the teacher said that I looked like a leopard. Well the other students heard her wrong and thought she said leper, so they began poking me with sticks." Ravel began to cry. "It hurt my feelings man, it really did."

The White Cleaver leaned over and patted him on the back.

Ravel sniffled. "Thank you. And I got back though. In eighth grade I put baking soda/vinegar bombs in all the toilets, that taught them. I got ten weeks-worth of detention but it was worth it."

Everything went quiet.

Ravel looked at the White Cleaver. "You want to do that in the Cleaver dormitory?"

The White Cleaver nodded.

**My mom told me about the leopard/leper thing and I thought I should add it into this story! Apparently a character said that it happened to them in the past was on a comedy show a while ago. So it DIDN'T happen. And I am NOT saying bullying is funny. I SWEAR. REVIEW!**


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